Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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