if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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