I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
