bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
