we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
