someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
