what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
