I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
