mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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