i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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