No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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