if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize