I'm going to jail i love you
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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