You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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