please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
