nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
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