Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
