6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
