wanna go halves on a baby?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
