I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
