im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
