Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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