I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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