Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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