On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
