Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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