Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
