I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
