You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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