dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
