omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
