doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
