i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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