The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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