I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize