I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
