areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
