Heybabeimwearingurpanties
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize