my phone needs a breathalizer
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
