the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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