My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
