the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
