also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
