btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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