i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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