you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
