Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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