also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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