I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
