just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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