I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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