I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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