So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
