Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
