i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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