He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
