im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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