My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
