Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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