So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
