if only i could text you this smell
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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