Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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