Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
