life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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